When It Doesn’t Feel Good
How are you?
One of the questions that I disdain, yet yearn for people to ask me the most is “ how are you?” I’ve always thought that I was a person that was in touch with my feelings. I thought that I was able to pinpoint exactly how I felt at all times. I also thought that I had a healthy control over my emotions and was able to turn them on and off whenever I chose to.
Recently, I learned that my emotions have always controlled me. As a little girl, witnessing domestic violence, I quickly learned how to quell my feelings as an attempt to limit the instability of my environment. I didn’t want to rock the boat more than it was already rocking. So I looked inward for comfort. I found comfort in myself, in my mind. The problem is ---I was a little girl dealing with huge emotions. Emotions like fear, anger, worry, and anguish, consumed me but I was too young to recognize what they were. Shame quickly set in, as I tried to hide because of my feelings but also tried to hide my feelings as a way to protect my loved ones from the sadness and pain that I felt. How can a little girl comfort herself if she doesn’t understand how she feels?
The mind is powerful---it’ll do anything to limit or annihilate pain. When things are out of control around and inside of you, even as a child you can feel that and you begin to view control as a form of currency. You equate control to peace. I might not be able to control my environment, but if I control the way I react to my environment, I can find the peace I’m desperately seeking. So from ages 7-30, I used control as a way to cope. I used control as a way to quiet the fear that I constantly felt. I used control as a strategy to cover up my shame. Control appeared as the inability to be vulnerable. It appeared as deflecting whenever someone asked the hard questions ( what’s going on with you? How are you feeling? ). It appeared as thinking that performance can earn love and loyalty. It appeared as trying to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, and partner. It appeared as having a plastic smile on my face even if it didn’t match my torn up heart.
Control, fear, and shame open the door for so many negative emotions and character flaws. When you think that you are in control of your life, you begin to compare your life to everyone else’s. You think that you have the balancing scale of life; that you know the best plans for yourself and how to achieve your goals. But when your plans fail, feelings of inadequacy begin to set in. Inadequacy begets jealousy and envy because you wonder how they can do it but you can’t. Control leads to feelings of loneliness because although you might have people around you, your inability to be vulnerable prevents them from really connecting with you the way that you desire them to. Soon control imprisons your heart and mind to the point that you feel like you cannot change. The more you try to hold on to control, the more out of control you feel.
Then fear begins to overpower you. As you realize that you are no longer in control, fear takes over again. Fear of rejection. Fear of being inadequate. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of judgment. It’s a vicious cycle. Shame- fear- control. Shame- fear- control. Shame-fear-control.
Being self-willed leads to destruction because it causes you to ignore that God has a perfect plan for everyone on this Earth. It causes you to be so distracted by what you are doing and how you appear to others, that you neglect God’s will for your life. You become a know it all. You ultimately think you know more than God. Living through control and fear causes you to feel inadequate in the seasons that are meant to strengthen you and draw you closer to God. Discontentment with your circumstances causes you to build idols in your hearts. Idols of what you think you should have--- who you think you should be--- how you should act, etc. It is a constant uphill battle that never ends. It feels like a constant war within yourself. The absence of peace.
God spoke directly to my strongholds of control, fear, and shame.
He told me that He is my peace. He is my strength. He gives me the strength to get through all seasons—the good and the bad. He told me that he works everything out for my good. My seasons of lack did not result in death, my seasons of abundance did not result in life. He is the true living water. He quenches my thirst and provides every need. God sees the full scope of the picture and he says I am right where I am supposed to be. He said stay rooted in Him and I will not fail.
Emotions are powerful but we have to be careful to not let them overpower us to the point that we allow shame, fear, and control to build strongholds in our lives. When it doesn’t feel good, trust that God is able. Trust that He will provide. Know that there is nothing that can separate us from His Love. That means that He is with us in times of despair and disappointment, but He is also with us in times of joy and excitement. Emotions are signals to guide us on what to pray for but God never intended for them to control us. We can do all things through God because He strengthens us. He is our strength. Give Him the control. So in times of lack give Him your supplications and in times of abundance, praise Him. But at all times, know that He is God.
