Till Death Do Us Part

I remember the joy I felt when I got engaged. I was joyous because I was marrying the love of my life and I finally attained what I was anticipating for most of my adult years. The initial joy I felt began to dissipate when the questions began to roll in—When’s the wedding? What kind of dress are you going to wear? What venue did you choose? All of these questions but not one person asked anything about our transition to marriage. Not one person- young or old- shared insight or advice on how to prepare for such a life-altering and important role.

I quickly became overwhelmed, I tried desperately not to get lost in the planning of the wedding; instead, I chose to focus on preparing for the roles of wife and purpose mate. Purpose mate. What is a purpose mate? Growing up I wasn’t around many healthy marriages so I had a vague understanding of what a purpose mate truly is. A purpose mate is someone who is a co-laborer for the purpose that you are on the Earth. God intended our marriages to be filled with purpose. Not only to benefit our immediate families but also to benefit His people and to bring Him glory. How do you prepare to be a good purpose mate? First, you have to have a clear understanding of who you are. How can you work towards a collective purpose if you don’t understand your individual purpose?

So I went to therapy. I became intentional about breaking patterns and habits that no longer served me or the people around me. I began to seek God. I sought Him like never before. I realized that I needed to know Him in order to understand me. If He’s the creator, there is no way that I could know myself without understanding who He is. I prayed to God for understanding, I prayed to Him for clarity, and I also prayed that I was doing the right thing. Even though my relationship with God wasn’t as strong as it is today, even back then I knew the significance of a godly marriage. That’s what I wanted. A godly marriage.

I began to have conversations with Drew. We always spoke about legacy and our values but now our conversations centered on how we would break our families’ generational curses and what we intended to accomplish through our marriage. We both have a natural inclination to help people. At our core, we care deeply for others and want everyone to be at their best. As we brainstormed our qualities—we saw how intentional God was in knitting us together in the spirit. What God put together let no man separate. I was blown away by God’s intentionality because He knew that our qualities- our strengths and weaknesses-would work together to help achieve his purposes for our lives.

To be honest, when we got married 2 years after our engagement, we were still figuring out our individual and collective purposes. We both received confirmation from God that we were supposed to get married but besides starting a family, we weren’t clear on how our marriage would bring God glory. Shortly after our wedding, we began attending Bible Study and God began to reveal himself to us like never before. Our lives took a turn in a way that only God could do. Our relationship with each other began to change; we learned how to listen to each other and how to pray with and for each other. We bought our first home with only a $1,000 deposit (more on that another day), our family was thriving, and we both had jobs that we enjoyed.

Life was good until it wasn’t. It’s easy to love your partner when everything is working out the way you envisioned. But what happens when things begin to unravel? When you’re hit with news of infertility? When you’re living through a pandemic? When one partner is no longer happy with their job? When you stop seeing eye to eye? When issues from the extended family start seeping into your marriage? How do you continue to thrive? How do you continue to look each other in the eyes with love? How do you stay ten toes down when your circumstances are telling you to run?

We vowed before God that we would stick with each other for better, for worse, for sickness and in health. For better or for worse means that we will stick together in good times and in bad. In times when we can’t even stand ourselves. Marriage is a commitment but it also should mirror God’s grace. Even in times when we are at odds with one another, we have an obligation to consider the other person’s perspective and to extend grace. I often reflect on the struggles of life and notice that most people have themes of what they struggle with. I believe that the theme of your struggles is connected to your purpose.

Through our pain, through the unraveling of our happy ending, the fog finally began to clear. We are both falling in line with purpose. Pain has taught us more about ourselves than joy ever could. The beauty in the struggle is that we get to witness each other’s resilience. Yes, we had our moments of strongly disliking each other lol, but we also fell deeper in love. The pain highlighted the parts in us that we didn’t even know were there. The parts in us that God knew would keep us together during the rough times.

God is so good. He is so intentional. He is so faithful. What God put together, let no man separate. Wow. He put us together. He knew the capacity of our spirits. God looks at the heart. We look at the outward appearance. He knew we needed each other. He knew we would experience all that we have and will experience. He also knew that we would grow stronger from it.

If there’s one thing I want you to glean from this post it is to allow God to choose your husband or wife. He knows all. He knows your purpose, He knows your shortcomings, He knows your strengths. He knows the depths of your soul. I promise you that it will work out for your benefit.

Until next time,

M.