To Each, His Own
I’ve never been a person that had an inner knowing of what I wanted to do from a little girl. I always envied those people because I felt like they had a head start on life--- they already knew their passions and purpose. I, on the other hand, tried to fit in wherever I could. I knew I didn’t want to be a failure and I also yearned for my mother’s validation, so I forged a career path in teaching, even if I knew it didn’t encompass my full purpose. I viewed it as a stepping stone, but I also limited myself because of the fear of stepping out. I allowed the timidity I hid behind to define who I was and the career I chose. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am called to the education sector, but I also know that the classroom isn’t the ending for me, it is the beginning.
I genuinely thank God for 2020, because the culmination of its events helped me to lean into God and to find my purpose. In 2020, I was gracefully broken. I had to break to find my purpose. I had to break to see all that is inside of me. At this moment I praise God because I finally understand that my purpose and God’s will for my life is the same. To much is given, much is required.
To much is given, much is required. I’ve heard this scripture so many times but now I have a deeper understanding of what it truly means. God has deposited so much in me but I had no idea because it wasn’t put to the test. My gifts laid dormant because for so long I operated in my sphere of comfort, control, fear, and shame.
Now that I know God’s will; his plans and instructions are becoming clear. He is requiring that I level up by surrendering my will for His. He is teaching me that greatness requires pain, refinement, testing, survival, faith, and hope. Greatness requires sacrifice. It requires transparent testimony.
Transparent testimony. I have to tell my story unapologetically. I have to tell my story without wavering, without hiding, without running. My testimony and my purpose are intertwined. They are not independent of each other.
My name is Myleka. For the past, I would say 25 years, I have been living in constant shame and fear. I’ve been walking in shame for so long--- I’m not even aware of the roots. Fear has stifled me. It began as a fear of confrontation due to domestic violence between my grandparents that I witnessed as a child. That fear turned into a deep distrust and disdain for unfamiliar people. Now, I know that this fear stemmed from confusion because I couldn’t reconcile that sometimes good people do bad things. As I grew older, I grew more inward. I relied on myself to shield me from the perceived dangers of the world. I learned early on that I had to act a certain way to receive validation--- so I became more of what people wanted and less of who I really was. Soon, there was a split in my identities. At home, I was Tati, the quiet girl with not much to say and without a mind of her own. Around my peers, I was Myleka, still quiet but a little more outspoken and malleable to the needs of her friends. I lived this way for well over 10 years until it got too much for me and I morphed into a combination of both identities, which completely left me lost, depressed, and lonely. Within this time, I fell in love with the wrong person, allowed that person’s demons to become mines, and sacrificed my values for the sake of his happiness. I found myself doing things I knew wasn’t right—including having an abortion--- because I couldn’t afford to disappoint people--- even if it meant that I was disappointing myself and God. Once I realized the hold that people had on me, I began to see them as the enemy and began to withdraw. I didn’t trust myself around people because I knew that I was inclined to want to live up to their expectations and I was afraid that one more disappointment would be the final straw. I began to use control as a tool to hide my shame and to keep people’s expectations at bay. I didn’t realize that keeping them out would also prevent me from receiving the intimacy and fellowship I wanted. In 2011, I met my husband. He showed me that there are genuine people in the world that love without limits. He was my first experience of unconditional love that allowed me to feel safe and secure. We got married in 2018 and now we are on a fertility journey in hopes of having a child to share our love and lives with.
Throughout my twenties, God has been pulling me towards him. In my late twenties, I finally began to seek him with my entire heart and I have not been disappointed. He began to open the locks of my heart and freed me from the internal prison that I put myself in. He introduced me to agape love, faithfulness, and trust. He taught me that pain, persecution, loneliness, disappointment, and brokenness are all temporary. He taught me that feelings are fleeting and people are fickle. He also told me that His love, comfort, and peace are all eternal. He told me that my story will bring Him glory. My pain, struggles, and obstacles all work together to mold me into the woman He has called me to be. All of my experiences will work together for my good therefore I shall not be afraid but I will follow His instructions boldly. To much is given, much is required. He has invested a lot in me, so I will do everything that He requires me to, even if it means relinquishing control.
