2020 Vision
Plans…
My dream in life, from as young as I could remember, was to have 5 kids. I remember having imaginary children, getting them dressed, and walking them to school. LOL. I had a plan that I would have my first child at 24, and by now, at the age of 31, I would possibly be working on my 4th. I never had real dreams and passions outside of wanting a family of my own. Every other plan or goal I had was to ensure the success of my primary goal. I needed a viable income so I chose a career that was stable and safe.
2020 Vision
My heart started to break once I realized that it wouldn’t be easy for us to have children. To be honest, we began trying before we were married. Every month we tried, we would get the same result…negative. When you are on a fertility journey you learn how to live in a sort of double consciousness. All you yearn for is for a positive test result but you continue to live life amidst all of the uncertainty and pain. You begin to feel like your body is working against you because it’s not producing the fruit you yearn for most. You start to isolate yourself because you feel like no one can truly understand your struggles. Your loved ones try to soothe your pain by exclaiming that it’s probably not the right time or that God’s timing is perfect. Although deep down you know some of this is true, it doesn’t lessen the blow. It actually makes it worse because it serves as a reminder that no one truly understands how you feel. So you wrestle, you fight and you move forward in the turmoil. Fearful of hitting rock bottom. Fearful that if you allow yourself to feel your emotions, everything will fall apart.
Our real fertility journey began on March 4, 2020. We went into shady grove fertility clinic with high hopes of 2020 being the year that we would have our baby. 3 weeks later, Maryland shut down because of the coronavirus. I don’t think this was a coincidence. We literally spent the whole year struggling with the news of our infertility and quarantine at the same time. This time, we didn’t have any distractions. Every day was a constant reminder of our inability to have children and our inability to live life the way we were used to. Every questionable test result yielded hope for the next step, the next result of the next test. Finally, we got the news that we were dreading. There is a 30% chance that we will produce our own biological children. 30%. I felt like I was in a daze, my stomach bubbling, head faint, I didn’t know how to feel or what to think. My one true dream in life was actually slipping out of my grasp and I didn’t know how I could fix it. I didn’t know how to control this narrative. So I just… continued. Deep down I think I always knew something was wrong but having it confirmed by a health professional made it real. Made it fact.
Thankfully, My God is a good, faithful, and loving father. On November 24, 2019, Drew and I got baptized. I thank God for sending my Pastor to help guide, teach, and prepare us for what was to come. I spent a year actively seeking God before entering into 2020. If it wasn’t for my strengthening faith and His love, I really don’t know how I would’ve made it through. This season has been tough, but through it all, He has been there. Friendships that I thought I would have for a lifetime faded away, people that I thought had my back showed that they didn’t. Every plan that I had for the year proved to be futile. But through it all God was there. He is here.
I could choose to be angry at Him for not giving me the one thing I want most, but I know my God. Throughout this whole year, he has been speaking to me like never before. He told me that He has plans for me. That his plans are the plans that will prevail. He told me that I have been operating in smallness; limiting his abilities. My vision was skewed because I didn’t understand how great He is. My father God told me that He is able. His plan is not to harm me but to give me a hopeful future and peace. He promised me a child. But He also promised me success beyond a family. He expanded my vision of myself. He showed me that he put so much more in me than children. He has to press the greatness out of me. It’s not always going to be comfortable, but it will glorify Him.
The plans that we have for ourselves are always futile if they don’t include God’s plans for us. His thoughts are not our thoughts and his ways are not our ways. Even though this seems like an impossible mountain to climb, I know that everything is working together for my good. I know that the other side of this journey is glory. I know that my God is a promise keeper. He keeps promises and he also blows minds. He confounds the wise with the foolish. With Him anything is possible.
So I’m hopeful, I’m joyful and I’m eager. I know that he will show out for us. I know that He is going to perform a miracle for His glory. But before He can do these things, He has to stretch me--- mature me. He had to show me myself. Show me the things in me that had to go. The things and people that I can’t take to the next season of my life. I am so grateful because now I’m beginning to understand the true scope of who I am. I am no longer limited by the views that people( including myself) have of me. I know how my Father views me. I know that He’s known me before I even knew myself. His plans for me are perfect because He knows what is inside of me. So I will take one step forward until I walk into every promise that He has whispered in my ear.
