Weary.
All I keep hearing in my head is George Floyd’s plea for breath, for life. I. Can’t. Breathe. In the past, I have said this exact phrase plenty of times, usually when I’m having an anxiety attack. I. Can’t. Breathe. He pled for his life as a white police officer had his knee placed on his neck. I. Can’t. Breathe. He said, as he was forced to carry the weight of this white man on his shoulders. I. Can’t Breathe. He said, as he called on his deceased mother for help. I. Can’t. Breathe. He said, and we all understood because being Black in America forces you to live everyday fighting for another breath. I. Can’t. Breathe. These words are so poignant because whether it is physical or metaphorical, we also cannot breathe and we are TIRED.
We haven’t been able to breathe without worry for the past 400 years. For 400 years we have been brutalized, stripped of our identities and brainwashed. 400 YEARS. We’ve watched as our white counterparts build their wealth and their identities on our backs. We’ve watched as they propped themselves up while keeping their knees on our necks.
All we’ve ever wanted was to be. To be free in a world that was created for us all. Instead, we are met with resistance everywhere we turn. We have to ignore the thoughts of whites who feel like we don’t belong in their communities and institutions. We have to ignore the voices in our heads that echo their sentiments. We walk around with this double consciousness—- trying to be conscious of the racism at play, while trying desperately to be accepted by our oppressors. Is it possible to live—not survive— but truly live in a system that was built on brutality and lies?
My spirit is so weary—weary for our matriarchs and sisters, who’s pain is often ignored—even by themselves. They are forced to put on a cape and keep going in order for our lineage to survive. Weary for our black fathers, brothers, husbands and sons whose bodies are viewed as either sources of entertainment ( i.e. sports) or as a source of threat that must be annihilated by any means necessary. They grow up out of touch with their true essence because they’ve been brainwashed to believe that being a man means being hyper masculine. They feel anxiety every time they pass the threshold of their homes but instead of talking through these feelings they suppress them.
What do we do when as a people we have experienced insurmountable trauma that continues to dictate how we view ourselves and the way we behave ? What do we do when we turn on the TV and see another lifeless black body? What do I do as I begin to understand the effects of trauma on the brain, yet the discourse neglects the plight of blacks and how our brains are affected? Where do I begin?
With my spirit weary, I turned to God to seek answers to some of my questions. He revealed to me that there were 400 years of silence between the Old and New Testament. Within this time, there was also persecution and political unrest. During those 400 years, God witnessed all. Although it seemed like He wasn’t with His people, His providence was very evident. Then I was led to the last book of the Old Testament. The prophet Malachi delivered a prophecy of correction and hope as God promised that He would send a Messiah. That Messiah would come 400 years later.
2020 makes 401 years since the beginning of slavery. By the grace of God , we have been redeemed by our Lord Jesus Christ. I know that nothing lasts forever. God’s answer to some of my questions gives me hope that a new day has come and our people will begin to feel true freedom. He has never left us and I know that He will show us his love and faithfulness. Even in the midst of the chaos.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to breathe. I will not only live, but live abundantly . I will continue to breathe for George Floyd. Ahmaud Arbery. Breonna Taylor. Korryn Gaines. Sandra Bland. Philando Castile. Michael Brown. Freddie Gray. Trayvon Martin. Eric Garner. Amadou Diallo. Sean Bell. Kalief Browder. I will continue to breathe for the countless other black and brown bodies that were murdered and brutalized. Their deaths will not be in vain.
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint”
