Daddy’s Girl
“ He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ” Ephesians 1:5
December 26, 2002---The first time I spoke to my father I was 13 years old. Before this conversation, there was an unspoken rule to never mention him. I wondered about him often; Was he anything like me? Would we have been close if he was in my life? I remember praying to God asking for a chance to encounter him. When we finally spoke, he acted like we were long lost friends. “ Hi Tatiana! How are you? This is your father. Merry Christmas! I am going to send you some Christmas money”. I had so many questions but couldn’t muster up the courage to ask any of them for fear that they would push him away. So instead I acquiesced and said “Hi, I’m good how are you?” Ignoring the elephant in the room and setting the tone in our relationship for years to come.
After our initial conversation, my father would spend years in and out of my life; contacting me whenever he felt the need to. I became used to the inconsistency but was also eager for those moments of contact. Even though I knew that his actions were wrong, I never wanted to create waves in our relationship out of fear that he would disappear for good. The first sign of my abandonment issues.
I remember one conversation vividly. I was around 16 years old and he called after about a year of not hearing from him. As usual, we went through the formalities of any conversation and then he began to probe—I guess his attempt to get to know me better. He asked me about the fashion brands that I liked to wear and then proceeded to detail all of the brands that my sister liked. My sister. She is 1 month younger than me although he was married to my mother. My sister. Back then I wish I could trade places with her just so I could have the life I thought she took from me. My sister. The person I resented but wish I knew. My sister. I wanted to scream. How dare he compare me to her knowing that he abandoned me and chose to live the picture perfect life with her and my 3 other siblings. I was angry, but couldn’t show it. So instead I responded with an apathetic ‘oh’. This would become one of the strongest seeds of unforgiveness and bitterness in my heart.
There would continue to be years of inconsistency and disappointments in my relationship with my father. In my 20s I would learn that he kept me a secret from my siblings and that my sister’s life wasn’t all I imagined it to be. I gained greater clarity of who my father was. I began to accept him for who he was and no longer yearned for a deeper relationship with him.
It’s amazing how much damage a person can do without being an integral part of your life. As I reflect, a lot of my relationship issues stem from the relationship with my father. So cliché but so true. I never wanted to be the female with an absentee father that affected my ability to love and be loved. I fought hard against being that stereotype. But here I am---- realizing that many of my heart issues stem from his absence.
Signs of abandonment include people pleasing, trust issues, lack of emotional intimacy, a need for control and settling into mediocre relationships. My relationships included every one of these signs. Instead of healing from my father’s absence, I chose to suppress it, which led to way more issues than I bargained for.
Fast forward to July 2019. I’m sitting in Church and suddenly the Pastor mentions the orphan spirit. My spirit leapt. Orphan spirit. The more he preached about the orphan spirit the more I connected with it. The moment you hear yourself being described in front of a congregation is jolting. This moment jolted me in a spiritual way that is still hard to explain. I knew it was God speaking to me. I felt it.
God was telling me to come back to Him. That he knows that my father abandoned and disappointed me but He is capable to provide, nurture and care for me more than my biological father was ever capable of. For years I felt alienated, but here God was telling me to come and build a relationship with Him. To love Him without fear of Him leaving because He would never forsake me. God allowed me to feel His love. I began to see His love in the little and big things of my life. As I think about God’s love, mercy and grace I am filled with gratitude because He doesn't have to love me but He does.
In God I have a father that encompasses more than I can ever fathom. He is everything I wanted and everything I needed. The good news is that through Jesus Christ I am adopted to sonship. I don’t ever have to feel alone, I don’t ever have to feel inadequate because I have a father that loves and cares for me. This realization has allowed me to begin to repair my relationships, including the relationship with my biological father. How gracious and merciful is my God. He does everything well.
