Be Still…

“ Be still and know that I am God” - Psalms 46:10

I can vividly remember the way the sun rays reflected off of the wall as my 6-year-old self sat in the corner with my two pointer fingers in each respective ear. The terror in my heart and on my face as my grandparents physically fought is something that is still hard to erase from my memory. As I waited anxiously for it to be over, all I could do to keep calm was to focus on those rays of sunlight. I watched as they illuminated; I homed in on the vibrant color, on its warmth. For a moment, my anxieties went away and I felt peace. 

Fast forward 25 years later and here I am. Sitting in my own home, no longer in the corner hoping for the terror to end. However, I still see remnants of that same frightened 6-year-old girl. My terror is no longer domestic violence; it is the unknown of when I will be able to have a child of my own. Just like those rays of sunlight, I see and feel glimmers of God all around me. I feel him with every breath I take. I see him in my spouse. I see him when I look in the mirror. I hear him when I read the word. He is all around me. Yet,I still seek peace. 

God has been with me through tumultuous and joyous times of my life. He has guided me through messages, intuition, and dreams. He has made my steps clear. I am thankful for the love that he bestows upon me. Without him, I would be dust. Yet, I still ask him why. 

“ Be still and know that I am God”. At this moment, his word gives me peace. He knows where I have been--- He was the sun when I was in that room, afraid for my grandmother’s life. He was there when he sent that dream to my aunt to stop me from having that abortion. He was there after I had the abortion and comforted me as I cried myself to sleep. He saw me through my darkest moments, sent me my greatest blessings, and redeemed me when I was lost.

“ Be still and know that I am God”. Be still. Be still. What does it mean to be still? My whole life I have been running. Running from that innocent little girl. Afraid of my own emotions. Afraid of my own power--- my own voice. Running from people; afraid that they will make me love them only to be disappointed in the end. Running, searching, hiding, but never still. 

I ponder the concept of still. It is an abstract concept. But for my God, I will seek to understand what still is. I will trust in him. I will have faith in him because he is faithful and always good. 

Suddenly it hit me. Still is what I felt as I focused on those sun rays to escape the turmoil. Still is what I was when I felt his peace amidst the storm. My 6-year-old self couldn’t fathom what or who I felt and saw, but my 31-year-old self knows better. In that moment, I was still and God was with me. He allowed me to feel his warmth; his glory. 

In the midst of this new storm, I will be still until I find glimmers of his glory. I will remember his faithfulness. I will love him with all my heart, all my soul and all my strength. I know that he is God. 

His word says “ God is within her, she will not fall” (Psalms 46:5 NIV). I am thankful for that reminder. God is within me; I cannot fall, I cannot be defeated, and I cannot lose. He already won the victory and He did it all for me. Grateful for his rays. Grateful for his presence. But most of all, I am grateful that I can be still and know that he is God.